I went to three wedding receptions on Saturday night...I was only invited to one and crashed the other two. I have been hanging out with this American Irish girl (whom I will refer to as Erin Gobragh) for about a month now and so when she asked me to her cousin’s wedding in Freehold, New Jersey, you can imagine my hesitation. Hesitation, that is, until I heard the background of this wedding. Erin’s father has two younger brothers, Dave and Ronald. The last time the entire Gobragh family got together was three years ago at Erin’s brother’s (William) wedding. The family is Irish so they are basically all boozers, but Uncle Dave has a special affinity to the sauce…like he’ll wake up in the morning and crave a drink. Some might call it “an addiction”, others might call it “a great way to start the day,” I’m not going to pass judgment, but let’s just say he drinks like Billy Joel after the Christie Brinkley break up. Rewind three years to William’s wedding. Evidently Uncle Dave and a few other family members started boozing around 10:00AM for a 5:00 PM wedding. Needless to say, by the time the reception came around, Dave was three sheets - and several other linens - to the wind. OK, there are two things you should know about the Irish: (1) they can drink a shit load of alcohol and (2) every so often – and sometimes for no particular reason – their Irish temper will rear its ugly head.
[Sidebar: I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty laid back, but every so often, this trait will come out in me as well…like last week when that mother fucking homeless militant Black Panther-looking guy wouldn’t move to let me out of the E train during rush hour. OK, probably not the best time to lose it, but what’s a guy to do? The curse of the Irish…an iron clad liver and loose lips.]
So now that Uncle Dave had demonstrated his ability to drink a lot, the Irish hooligan started coming out. As the story goes, Dave proceeded to nearly get into two fights: the first with the bartender who refused to serve him because “he’d had too much to drink” and the next was with some young guy whom he thought was trying to sleep with his teenage daughter. The point being that two huge scenes were made at this wedding and that didn’t even include the one created by the old guy who was wheeled out of the reception due to cardiac arrest. I couldn’t make this up. Needless to say, there has been some tension between the Gobragh families over the past few years. Which leads us up to last Saturday: Uncle Dave’s son was getting married and I was invited. No way in hell I was passing this one up, the possibility of premium blog material was off the charts. As chance would have it, I was right. Here’s what occurred in running log format (Erin’s comments in italics).
10:02 AM – (alarm going off) Fuck, already? I probably shouldn’t have stayed out until 5AM last night…I mean this morning.
10:27 AM – On all fours, face down paying homage to the porcelain god. That Sea Bass from Savoy isn’t nearly as good the second time around as it was the first.
11:17 AM – Meet Erin at the subway stop nearly 20 minutes late. She was less than psyched about my tardiness, but quickly got over it after I apologized…twice. That’s another thing about the Irish, we can’t hold grudges (well, most of us) like the Italians. We serve our revenge warm…get arrested, broken appendages (or both) and then it’s over. Besides, who could stay mad at this face for long?
11:54 AM – Having buyer’s remorse about agreeing to attend this wedding. I’ve been at William’s house for 10 minutes, I’m nauseous and the Gobragh family is making goo-goo faces at slobbering babies. Not only am I missing about 50 college football games today, but I could still be in bed sleeping last night’s wine and scotch bender off.
12:24 PM – In the car heading to Freehold, New Jersey with Erin’s brother and (infamous) sister-in-law, Jennifer. Remember the dynamic between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s characters at the beginning of Eyes Wide Shut? That’s what their relationship dynamic felt like…aloof, cold, and deliberate. I think Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel have more fun performing on stage together than these two do in their daily married life.
William: I wish this jerk off would move so I can drive around him.
Jennifer: Don’t say “jerk off,” what if the baby was around? I don’t want our son growing up saying things like “jerk off.”
William: Well he’s not around.
Long pause
William (under his breath): [still trying to get around the guy in front of him] Jerk off.
12:56 PM – Yuppies gone wild. Now they are talking about how many weddings they’ve attended as a couple. William thinks it’s over 100, Jennifer thinks it’s only 15. “Why don’t you make a list during the wedding,” Jennifer suggests. Are we there yet?
1:15 PM – I think my tits are going to fall out of this dress during the wedding ceremony.
1:16 PM – Sweet.
1:35 PM – First Bruce Springsteen song of the day. I’m setting the over/under at four Boss songs between now and the end of the evening…and I’m taking the over.
2:16 PM – The priest proceeds to go on a ten minute summary of the movie Jerry McGuire (peppered by minute-long fits of turn-your-face-red coughing) in order to set up the theme “you complete me,” which he abandons no less than five minutes later.
2:47 PM – I’m not Catholic, but there’s this time in the ceremony when the congregation prays for all this random shit…like the Pope, the President, married couples and then there’s a silent part where you pray for “unsaid needs.” I was praying for a stiff cocktail.
3:13 PM – On our way to the Jersey shore where the reception is being held, but since the cocktail hour isn’t until 5:30 PM we’re stopping at Uncle Ronald’s motel room for beers. Did I happen to mention that we are in New Jersey?
3:45 PM – We pull into the local “Motor Lodge.” It’s at this point that I realize that I’m definitely going to blog about this wedding.
4:11 PM – In a seedy pay-by-the-hour motel room with twelve Italian strangers drinking Bud Light out of a can. What happened to my life?
5:10 PM – We arrive at the reception hall 20 minutes early to hear the news that Uncle Lenny has passed out already. A few undisclosed relatives claim that his blood sugar was probably too low after all the excitement of the wedding. Funny how the Irish are so reluctant to blame it on the booze. I find myself doing the same thing though: “Naw, I must have gotten some bad meat at dinner last night…I’m sure the 14 Jack and Cokes had anything to do with the four pounds of liquid I regurgitated this morning.”
5:19 PM – We enter the reception hall to discover that the place holds not one, not two, but three reception halls and they are all having receptions that night.
Drunk Guy: There’s no way that we’re not crashing those other two weddings.
Erin: (evil smile) Totally.
5:31 PM – Cocktail hour has officially begun. Mmmmmmm, Tanq and tonic…I guess my prayers have been answered.
5:36 PM – Erin (holding a vodka martini): Hey Uncle Ronnie, how many of these do you think I’m going to knock back tonight?
6:03 PM – After two very stiff gin and tonics – on an empty stomach – I’m hitting the cocktail hour buffet like a homeless guy at Sizzler. You should have seen the size of these shrimp and crab claws. God damn!
6:27 PM – Being ushered out of the cocktail hour and into the reception hall. The last time I saw so many red-faced Irish guys, I was in Dublin on St. Patrick’s Day.
7:01 PM – I’m sitting next to a 20 year old alcoholic Gobragh cousin and she’s shouting across the table into my ear. I remember those days…being a young drunk and having absolutely no volume control. Nevertheless, I want to smack her. I need another drink.
7:11 PM – Second Bruce Springsteen song of the day.
7:47 PM – Some random girl came out of nowhere as we’re eating and starts to sing on the dance floor. I feel like I’m watching American idol try outs.
8:14 PM – Dinner is polished and so are the two bottles of wine that were sitting on the table when we sat down. It’s time to get serious with some Jack and Coke.
8:27PM – Third Bruce Springsteen song of the evening.
8:31 PM – Fourth Bruce Springsteen song of the evening.
9:07 PM – It’s about time to crash some wedding receptions. We decide to go downstairs to Debby and Michael’s reception.
9:12 PM – Attempting to dance the Electric Slide, standing next to Debby, the beautiful, albeit chunky bride.
9:18 PM – Dancing with Aunt Marge to the theme from Saturday Night Fever, while Erin pulls random old guys and drunk young guys onto the dance floor.
9:34 PM – Debby and Mike’s camera guy realize that Erin and I are ripping it up on the dance floor so he decides to take some picture of us. Classic. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when Debby and Mike are going through their wedding pictures and are trying to figure out who the hell we are. I decide that this is an absolute must for any wedding that I crash in the future.
9:45PM – Erin and I head back to her cousin’s wedding to check in, get a drink and make sure we’re not missing any fights or cardiac arrest.
10:04 PM – Two weddings down, one to go. It’s time to crash Leigh and Eugene’s reception.
10:06 PM – I’m a little nervous walking into this room because there are only about six people on the dance floor. Then I hear the beginnings of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline and my feelings of trepidation immediately leave.
10:07 PM – Erin and I find the two drunkest guys on the dance floor and the four of us begin belting out the lyrics to one of the greatest drinking songs of all time. Erin starts dancing with one of the guys, which leads the other guy – un-tucked shirt, loose tie, droopy drunken eyes and all – to look at me, shrug his shoulders and then put his right hand on top of his head like a needle to a record…so I proceed to spin him around.
10:08 PM – TOUCHING MEEEEEEEEE, TOUCHING YOOUUUUUUUUUUU, SWEET CAROLINE. (BUM, BUM, BUM!) GOOD TIMES NEVER SEEMED SO GOOD (SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD)…
10:12 PM – Between Erin pulling random people on the dance floor and me dancing with some bride’s maids and older women, the dance floor is packed. We completely turned this party out.
10:19 PM – Dancing with Leigh (the bride), telling her how great she looked and what a beautiful ceremony they had. I’m totally blowing smoke up her ass and she’s buying ever bit of it. I mean how different are weddings, right? She walks down the isle, they read passages from Genesis and 1st Corinthians (well, at Gentile weddings, that is), they exchange vows and that’s about it. I can bull shit my way through that all day long.
10: 34 PM – Leigh and Eugene’s camera guy finally comes around and takes a picture of Erin and I ripping it up on the dance floor. Again, I wish I could be around for that conversation. “Honey, who’s this?” “Hmmm, I don’t know dear, I thought you knew them?” “No, I don’t. Well, if you don’t know them and I don’t know them…”
10:48 PM – Back at Erin’s cousin’s wedding. William and Jennifer want to leave the reception a few minutes early, so we say our drunken good-byes and head out.
I suppose I should say at this time that there’s a lot of tension between Erin and her brother and sister-in-law…I don’t know all of the background, but the tension definitely exists. Combine this tension with about four vodka martinis, half a bottle of wine, a Bud Light and a shot of Sambuca and you’ve got one interesting ride home. Here’s what transpired (again, Erin’s comments in italics):
11:02 PM – Erin starts to comment about how she never sees them and gives William a hard time for his plans to go to Jennifer’s parent’s house over Christmas.
11:05 PM – William proceeds to explain that Erin is welcome to come over to see them and Shaun (their baby) anytime she wants.
11:09 PM – Erin continues to bring up how William never spends any time with the Gobragh family. I have a sense that this is going to get nasty
11:11 PM – William is starting to get pissed. He’s even threatening to pull over and kick us out of the car. Talk about guilty by association, I’m not saying a word.
11:11 PM – What the fuck. Mr. I disagree with everyone who isn’t me. I have major problems with them being complete assholes.
11: 13PM – Jennifer sprouts two more heads and they all start spinning around as she screams, “I HAVE A FAMILY TOO!”
11:14PM – Complete silence in the car.
11:32 PM – Please get me out of this fucking vehicle.
11:34 PM – After what seems like an eternity of silence, Erin finally decides to speak again:
Erin: William, you’re driving like a champ. You’re like Luke Skywalker driving the Millennium Falcon.
William: Haun Solo drove the Millennium Falcon.
Erin: Yeah, that’s what I meant, you’re like Han Solo…and Jennifer is Chewbacca.
NYC Drunk Guy (thinking while laughing out loud): That was fucking classic. Too bad we’re about to get thrown out of the car in the middle of nowhere, New Jersey. Hell, that might have been worth it.
William (laughing with us): Yeah, she’s like Chewbacca. Jenn, make the Chewbacca sound.
Jennifer: (silent…although the two other heads she spouted had subsided)
12:10 PM – Back in Manhattan and very glad to be home. Wow, what a day. I assure you, this will not be the last time I ever crash a wedding.
Cheers,
NYCDG
