Positively 4th Street

“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”
–Humphrey Bogart

My commute to work last Friday morning was…shall we say awkward. I was on my way uptown, checking my Blackberry, minding my own business when Erin Gobraugh walks in and sits down right next to me at the West 4^th Street stop. My first thought was, “Positively 4^th Street…it was only a matter of time, damn you Bob Dylan.”

You remember Erin, the girl from the Wedding Crashers blog. Let’s just say that things between her and I didn’t exactly end smoothly. She kept pushing for things between us to get more serious; while I communicated to her several times that I didn’t want a relationship. I had to cut the head off of the relationship, so I did what any psycho-fearing guy would do…stop calling. OK fine, I didn’t deal with it in the best manner, I’ll admit that. Shit happens.

After one week of radio silence, the nasty e-mails start coming in. One that I’m an asshole. Delete. One about my character. Delete. One about my disgusting blog. Delete.

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning

You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning

Fast forward five weeks as Erin purposely sits down right next to me on a half empty E train.

Erin (evil smile): Hi

Me: Hello

Fuck me, this isn’t going to be good.

Erin: How are you?

Me: Great, how are you?

Erin: Good. So what have you been up to?

Me: Working a lot and traveling. You?

You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it

You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it

Erin: I hate you.

This is going to be a long commute.

Me: OK.

Erin: I think you’re disgusting.

Me: How so?

She’s read about the five girls.

Erin: You’re sleeping with five girls at the same time.

Yep, definitely not going to be good.

Me: I never said I was sleeping with them. I said I was dating them.

Erin: Well by sheer numbers you’ve got to be sleeping with at least 3 or 4 of them.

Me: I’m not, actually.

Erin: Whatever. The girls at Conde` Nast think you’re disgusting.

Me: Awesome.

I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with

Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with

[Sidebar: Dear girls at Conde` Nast,

I understand how you might have derived a negative image of me from our friend Erin, but I’m really not a bad guy…quite the opposite, actually. I mean Erin had to like me for some reason, right? At the end of the day, Erin and I just weren’t right for each other. Remember, there’s two sides to every story, if you want to hear my side e-mail me and let’s get together for a drink someday after work…I’ll even buy.]

Erin: I hate you. You’re probably going to blog about this.

Me (smiling): Keep talking.

(Erin looks down and opens her AM New York.)

Touche. Maybe she’ll shut up now.

(Two minutes later)

Erin: You know my mom read your blog, so that was fun. Oh and my sister-in-law, well she doesn’t even talk to me anymore, so it’s nearly impossible for me to see my nephew.

[Sidebar: Dear Sister-in-Law Jennifer,

Please talk to Erin and let her see her nephew. Yes, she called you Chewbacca and yes she’s very open about the fact that she doesn’t seem to like you for whatever reason, but the least you can do is let her see her nephew. Personally, I think the kid is a little top-heavy and drools like an idiot savant at McDonalds, but she misses him and wants to see him again soon. Thanks and best of luck with those two spinning heads. Kind regards.]

Me: Why did you tell them about my blog, you knew I was writing about the wedding?

Erin: I was trying to bond with her.

Me: That worked out well.

Erin: I hate you.

You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?" "Good luck"
But you don't mean it

When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it

(Erin goes back to flipping through her AM New York)

If that guy sitting next to her writes a blog, he’s going to have plenty of things to write about tonight. I wonder if she’s done yet. Her stop is coming up; I wonder if she’s going to make a big scene on the train before she gets off at her stop.

(The train stops and she gets up to leave)

Me: Have a nice day.

Erin: I hate you.

I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you

Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you

I suppose that could have gone worse.

Cheers,

NYCDG