I Need a Drink

It’s not even Tuesday and I already need a drink. Yes, I NEED a drink…and yes, I’m completely aware that the last sentence is the first indication of a problem. You know what? You’re right, I do have a problem. The problem is that I’m trying to do three people’s work, while looking for two more people to fill out my department at work, so excuse me if I feel the need to take the edge off with a frothy cold one.

I started my week off with seven meetings. That’s right, seven. You know what happens in meetings? Nothing. You talk about shit that you should be doing when you’re not in meetings. The problem is that you have meetings all day long, so nothing ever gets done unless you stay late…and there’s the rub. My Monday consisted of meetings from 10AM to 5PM with five and 10 minute breaks peppered in between, allowing me to answer a few e-mails and slam a sandwich and Diet Coke. Basically I was bouncing around the office today like I’d done an eight-ball of cocaine. I, of course, hadn’t done an eight-ball, or any cocaine for that matter. As a side note, if I ever were to do some blow, I would make sure that it was off a stripper’s naked body. I mean really, if you’re going to drop some nose candy you might as well go all out, right? Just roll up a C-note and run a line straight down a long-legged, blonde whore’s big fake titties…but I digress.

Point being, I was pretty wound up today, to the point that I was two seconds away from biting someone’s head off. It was after 6PM and I was on the phone with a woman from another company that I’m trying to do some business with and if she would have said, “I have 15 years of direct marketing experience” just one more time, I would have flipped my shit. I’m not joking.

Listen bitch, I understand that you’re trying to cover up your insecurities, but I don’t give a flying fuck how many years of experience you have. Want to compare pay checks? Read’em and weep, biotch. Money talks and bull shit walks, so strap on your boots and don’t let the door hit you in the fat ass on the way out.

Wow…OK, I feel better now. Breath. Once more. OK, now let’s move on.

One other notable thing happened today. As I’m closing the stall door to spend some quality time with the bran cereal I had ingested three hours earlier, I find a newspaper and an empty cup of coffee on the floor next to the toilet. Are you fucking kidding me? Some dude I work with actually brought his morning coffee into the stall with him so he could drink it while reading the paper. Unfuckingbelievable. How much do you want to bet this is the same “mystery shiter” that whipped out his cell phone and was talking to his buddy on the can a few weeks back? Hell, why does this guy even have a desk? Between his cell phone, the wireless web and his laptop, he could just set up shop right there in the stall…pants around his ankles and all.

Yes, it’s only Monday and I need a drink.

Cheers,

NYCDG