Monday Morning
I think I have Pink Eye. I wish I was joking...I feel like I’m five years old all over again.
I woke up this morning and immediately realized that I could only open my left eye because my right eye was closed shut with midnight eye crusties. Happy fucking Monday, asshole.
After stumbling my way to the bathroom and taking my mandatory first-of-the-morning-one-hand-against-the-wall-to-keep-my-groggy ass-from-falling-over piss (although today I had to do this with only one eye...I felt like I was taking some fucked up version of a D.U.I. test), I realized that my right eye was more swollen than the face of a pubescent kid in jr. high school. Awesome. Let’s go check out WebMD and see what the symptoms for pink eye are...and how I can get rid of this shit. I quote:
Common symptoms of pinkeye are:
* Eye redness (hyperemia).
* Swollen, red eyelids.
* More tearing than usual.
* Feeling as if something is in the eye (foreign-body sensation or keratoconjunctivitis).
* An itching or burning feeling.
* Mild sensitivity to light (photophobia).
* Drainage from the eye.
It’s official, I’ve got Pink Eye. Sweet. I’m almost thirty fucking years old and I’ve got Pink Eye. By the way, what the fuck is keratoconjunctivitis? If I had a PhD, I wouldn't be on WebMD in the first place.
Cold compresses or warm compresses (whichever feels best) can be used. If an allergy is the problem, a cool compress may feel better. If the pinkeye is caused by an infection, a warm, moist compress may soothe your eye and help reduce redness and swelling.
OK. Sounds easy enough. Done and done. Wait, what’s this ? (reading on)
Do not attend day care or school or go to work until pinkeye has improved.
Well, I don’t have to worry about day care or school, but don’t attend work? Like I’m supposed to call my boss and tell him that I can’t come to work today because I have Pink Eye?! Fuck you. I can imagine how that conversation might go:
Drunk Guy: Yeah, hi David.
Boss: Hey Drunk Guy, what’s going on?
Drunk Guy: Well, I don’t think I should come to work today.
Boss: Yeah? Is everything all right? Are you feeling OK?
Drunk Guy: Yeah...well, I’m feeling OK, but you see...the thing is...well, I’ve got Pink Eye.
Boss: (laughing) No, seriously, is everything OK?
Drunk Guy: Um, yeah...I really do have Pink Eye.
Boss: (laughing harder) OK, well I’ll see you at the staff meeting at 9.
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
What a great way to start off the week. Is it Friday yet?
NYCDG
I woke up this morning and immediately realized that I could only open my left eye because my right eye was closed shut with midnight eye crusties. Happy fucking Monday, asshole.
After stumbling my way to the bathroom and taking my mandatory first-of-the-morning-one-hand-against-the-wall-to-keep-my-groggy ass-from-falling-over piss (although today I had to do this with only one eye...I felt like I was taking some fucked up version of a D.U.I. test), I realized that my right eye was more swollen than the face of a pubescent kid in jr. high school. Awesome. Let’s go check out WebMD and see what the symptoms for pink eye are...and how I can get rid of this shit. I quote:
Common symptoms of pinkeye are:
* Eye redness (hyperemia).
* Swollen, red eyelids.
* More tearing than usual.
* Feeling as if something is in the eye (foreign-body sensation or keratoconjunctivitis).
* An itching or burning feeling.
* Mild sensitivity to light (photophobia).
* Drainage from the eye.
It’s official, I’ve got Pink Eye. Sweet. I’m almost thirty fucking years old and I’ve got Pink Eye. By the way, what the fuck is keratoconjunctivitis? If I had a PhD, I wouldn't be on WebMD in the first place.
Cold compresses or warm compresses (whichever feels best) can be used. If an allergy is the problem, a cool compress may feel better. If the pinkeye is caused by an infection, a warm, moist compress may soothe your eye and help reduce redness and swelling.
OK. Sounds easy enough. Done and done. Wait, what’s this ? (reading on)
Do not attend day care or school or go to work until pinkeye has improved.
Well, I don’t have to worry about day care or school, but don’t attend work? Like I’m supposed to call my boss and tell him that I can’t come to work today because I have Pink Eye?! Fuck you. I can imagine how that conversation might go:
Drunk Guy: Yeah, hi David.
Boss: Hey Drunk Guy, what’s going on?
Drunk Guy: Well, I don’t think I should come to work today.
Boss: Yeah? Is everything all right? Are you feeling OK?
Drunk Guy: Yeah...well, I’m feeling OK, but you see...the thing is...well, I’ve got Pink Eye.
Boss: (laughing) No, seriously, is everything OK?
Drunk Guy: Um, yeah...I really do have Pink Eye.
Boss: (laughing harder) OK, well I’ll see you at the staff meeting at 9.
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
What a great way to start off the week. Is it Friday yet?
NYCDG
posted by NYC Drunk Guy at 10:28 PM
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