Craig's List Loser

"He who fucks nuns will later join the church."
-The Clash

As many of you know, from time to time I post my blog on Craig’s List to increase awareness and my readership. This almost always leads to some interesting responses. I get flagged and removed by douche bags in Boston and Philadelphia that hate me because I’m from New York. I get SPAM messages from bots that pan themselves off as hot, desperate chicks that are trying to get me to check out their “personal profiles,” which no doubt lead to pay by the minute web cam porn sites (although I’ve never checked them out…really, I haven’t). I get the occasional e-mail from gay dudes asking for pictures of my dick or offering to perform various acts of sexual deviance on me – the things I endure for my readers. I also get great e-mails from female readers in all over the country (sometimes they are even naked pictures, which I not only accept, but encourage – hint, hint), but Midwest women in particular love me. I’ve even inspired a woman in Chicago to start her own blog, Sex in the (Windy) City. Point being, random shit happens on Craig’s List.

I recently received an e-mail from a douche bag in Jersey who obviously didn’t take two seconds to read my pictureless post and discover that (a) I’m male (b) I’m promoting my blog (c) I’m not afraid to write about the stupidity of my own gender. That said, here is the e-mail I received the day after I recently posted on Craig’s List (names and personal information has been changed, but the rest is verbatim):

Would love to get together, if you are interested please call me direct it's
my cell phone 973.555.5555 I just bought a condo in Hoboken. Presently live
in little falls, but will be moving. Call if you would like to get together
or talk. This adds is for real. And I have no time for games or the bullshit
most women put men through, or what men put women through. I work in
Manhattan. If you would like to meet or talk and see if there is any
connection call. Life is short and you are missing out on a lot of fun.
Don't be shy give me a call. My cell is always on and I always answer.
Billy or message me on AOL billy32350
Or on yahoo billy32350 also you can see pictures of me, my toys and what
I like to do on MySpace http://www.myspace.com/40yearoldjerseydouchebag

Billy
Cell (973)555.5555

Seriously, it’s no wonder women in this city are fed up with members of my gender. A closer look at his MySpace page showed that this guy is 40 years old, slightly overweight, looks a little like Corky from Life Goes On, and has random pictures of a Lexus that he supposedly owns. I just couldn’t help it, I had to respond to his e-mail. Here’s what I wrote:

Wow, I thought I had seen all of the douche bags in New York, but yet again was proved wrong. If you read my post at all - obviously you didn't - you would have seen that I'm a male posting about a girl I used to date whom I ran into on the subway.

More importantly, I was trying to promote my blog, you bumbling idiot. Thanks for the e-mail though, you have given me something to post on my blog. Maybe you should actually read these ads before you respond.

It’s no wonder you are looking for women on Craig’s List, after reading your e-mail you obviously don't understand what woman want and respond to. Here is some free advice:

1. It's pretty obvious that you're just looking for sex. That's fine, all guys want to get laid and girls know this already. The thing about it is, if you're upfront about it before they even have a chance to get to know you a little, it's only going to drive them away. It's OK to take them there, they want sex too, they just don't want to feel like a cheap whore for fucking you, so don't make them feel like one.

2. You're showing off your supposed money by talking about your house in Hoboken (which you have yet to move into) and showing off your supposed Lexus on your MySpace page. This translates to one of three things to women: (a) he's got a small dick, (b) he's insecure (probably because he's fat, ugly or has a small dick) or (c) all of the above.

3."My cell is always on and I always answer" – a female translates this as: "I'm a desperate 40 year old man that's fat, ugly and has a small dick. I'll basically fuck anything that moves. Please call me, I haven't gotten laid in two years."

Good luck out there you moron.

Funny thing is, he never replied back. Oh well, I guess I’m not his type after all.

Cheers,

NYCDG