Shuckin' the Charmin

I masturbate a lot. No surprise there, it's just something that guys do, right? Evidently I masturbate more than most guys…at least this is what my current fuck buddy tells me. She’s not the jealous type (which is great because I’m not either), but she does point out that she could come over and do that for me whenever I’d like. It’s not really about that though. What a lot of girls don’t understand is that guys like spending quality time with their penises. We like throwing on some porn, lubing up and shuckin’the Charmin…you know, play a little solo with the skin flute, choking the one-eyed trouser snake or whatever the kids are calling it these days.

Problem is that I have a very high sex drive, so even when I’m getting it on a regular basis – and I am getting it on a regular basis – I still want more. In fact, it’s not rare for me to rub one out immediately after a girl leaves my apartment in the morning…and after we’ve already had a few morning rounds. It’s not that she wasn’t good or didn’t satisfy me, it’s more that I have fresh mental masturbation material and want to use it.

Here’s a recent conversation between my fuck buddy and I about the topic of masturbation.

karen: i'm a little hot all the time though
Nycdrunkguy1: yeah me too
Nycdrunkguy1: i rarely pass a woman that i don't wonder what it would be like to fuck her
karen: i don’t necessarily do that
karen: so much as just want a firm cock in my pussy most days
Nycdrunkguy1: of course you do...that's hot
karen: i rarely imagine men naked
karen: i just get wet and tight
karen: and ready
Nycdrunkguy1: when does that happen though?
karen: all the time
karen: sometimes at work
karen: riding the train
karen: at the gym all the time
Nycdrunkguy1: what triggers it?
karen: i have no idea
karen: nothing really
karen: sometimes i have a little nerve spasm down there
karen: fucking awful
karen: i want to just tear off my pants and ride someone
Nycdrunkguy1: holy shit
Nycdrunkguy1: i just see a hot chick and want to fuck her
karen: oh no
karen: mine is worse
karen: haha
Karen: being a girl though, you dont get off as easily
Nycdrunkguy1: i can see how that would be the case
Nycdrunkguy1: i'll just go into a bathroom and jerk it or something
karen: really?
karen: i cant do that very easily
Nycdrunkguy1: yeah, i've jerked it in just about every place imaginable
karen: haha
karen: wow
Nycdrunkguy1: flying always gets me horny
Nycdrunkguy1: i jerk it in the bathroom of airplanes all the time
karen: wow
karen: i'd like to do it in the bathroom of an airplane
karen: so small though
Nycdrunkguy1: yeah it is
Nycdrunkguy1: can't really explain why i get so horny in a plane
karen: tight spaces, flight attendants
Nycdrunkguy1: yeah i think that's exactly it
Nycdrunkguy1: and the fact that you're 30,000 feet in the air
Nycdrunkguy1: i've fucked in a train bathroom before
Nycdrunkguy1: from Paris to Madrid
Nycdrunkguy1: i've jerked it in a library too
karen: oh my god
karen: ridiculous
Nycdrunkguy1: while driving in my car even
karen: i've given head in the car
Nycdrunkguy1: well yeah, i've got that too
karen: now i want to fuck
karen: ahhh
Nycdrunkguy1: damn, i'm sorry you’re so far away
karen: haha it's ok
karen: that's what vibrators are for
Nycdrunkguy1: trying to think where else i've jerked it
karen: it's so easy for you
Nycdrunkguy1: i've jerked it in a bathroom of the Trump building before
karen: you are insane
Nycdrunkguy1: you know, maybe i should make that a new thing
karen: where can you jerk it?
Nycdrunkguy1: yeah
Nycdrunkguy1: i saw an AM New York article a few months back about a group of people that had a drink in all five boroughs in one day, using the subway system to go from borough to borough
karen: you'd have a jerk in all five?
Nycdrunkguy1: I’m thinking i should pick a place in each of the boroughs and jerk it in one day
karen: why not fuck in all five
Nycdrunkguy1: that could work too, but there would be an innate sense of pride and personally accomplishment knowing that I had successfully completed the five-borough jerk in one day
karen: haha
karen: you are too much
Nycdrunkguy1: that would be great, so say i jerked it in all 5 boroughs in one day
Nycdrunkguy1: how many people could say that?
karen: haha
karen: not many
karen: i'll be so proud of you
Nycdrunkguy1: the five borough jerk....i'm totally going to plan this out now
karen: it's late
karen: i should go to bed
karen: good luck planning your five borough jerk
Nycdrunkguy1: thanks
karen: night
Nycdrunkguy1: night

I am planning the Great NYC 5 Borough Jerk-a-thon and yes, I will be writing about it afterwards. In case you were wondering if I have the stamina to endure such a challenge, my one-day jerk record currently stands at 11. That’s right, eleven times in one calendar day…now bring on the boroughs!

Cheers,

NYCDG

Overheard in New York

I read Overheard in New York from time to time because I enjoy how it emphasizes the stupidity of others…especially tourists. This past weekend I actually had two “Overheard in New York-worthy” exchanges that I had to write about.

Finishing up my Christmas shopping on Saturday afternoon I was walking up 6^th Ave when I had this exchange with a female tourist standing on the corner of 49^th and 6^th:

Tourist: Excuse me, do you know if the streets get bigger going this way (pointing north)?

NYCDG (quickly walking by): No, they are all about the same size.

With all my Christmas shopping done, I had to go out and celebrate over a few cocktails on Saturday night. At the end of the evening I decided to take the subway home as it was still fairly early and I was feeling adventurous. As I step into an almost empty subway car and take a seat across from a homeless guy that looks like he’s about to settle in for the night, the following exchange occurs.

Homeless guy: Can you spare some money so I can get something to eat?

NYCDG: Sorry man, I don’t have any cash on me.

Homeless guy: Come on, please. I’m so hungry I’d suck your dick for a cheeseburger.

NYCDG: A Wendy’s cheeseburger or a White Castle cheeseburger?

Homeless guy: Man, fuck you.

Cheers,

NYCDG

New Year's Eve with the Drunk Guy

Are you sick of paying hundreds of dollars on New Years to get into an overly-crowded bar that serves bullshit watered down drinks, only to receive a wine spritzer toast at midnight followed by a swift “fuck off” as they kick you out the door? Yeah, me too.

I say fuck them. A friend of mine and I are throwing a party this year at his four story townhouse just outside of Hoboken (public transportation provided by New Jersey transit). He’s got a sick view of Midtown Manhattan, lots of booze and of course, your chance to party with me and my friends.

Space is limited and the party is invitation only, so if you’re interested in joining us, send your name and e-mail address to me at nycdrunkguy@gmail.com and I'll add you to the party Evite list when we send it out.

Cheers,

NYCDG

Craig's List Loser

"He who fucks nuns will later join the church."
-The Clash

As many of you know, from time to time I post my blog on Craig’s List to increase awareness and my readership. This almost always leads to some interesting responses. I get flagged and removed by douche bags in Boston and Philadelphia that hate me because I’m from New York. I get SPAM messages from bots that pan themselves off as hot, desperate chicks that are trying to get me to check out their “personal profiles,” which no doubt lead to pay by the minute web cam porn sites (although I’ve never checked them out…really, I haven’t). I get the occasional e-mail from gay dudes asking for pictures of my dick or offering to perform various acts of sexual deviance on me – the things I endure for my readers. I also get great e-mails from female readers in all over the country (sometimes they are even naked pictures, which I not only accept, but encourage – hint, hint), but Midwest women in particular love me. I’ve even inspired a woman in Chicago to start her own blog, Sex in the (Windy) City. Point being, random shit happens on Craig’s List.

I recently received an e-mail from a douche bag in Jersey who obviously didn’t take two seconds to read my pictureless post and discover that (a) I’m male (b) I’m promoting my blog (c) I’m not afraid to write about the stupidity of my own gender. That said, here is the e-mail I received the day after I recently posted on Craig’s List (names and personal information has been changed, but the rest is verbatim):

Would love to get together, if you are interested please call me direct it's
my cell phone 973.555.5555 I just bought a condo in Hoboken. Presently live
in little falls, but will be moving. Call if you would like to get together
or talk. This adds is for real. And I have no time for games or the bullshit
most women put men through, or what men put women through. I work in
Manhattan. If you would like to meet or talk and see if there is any
connection call. Life is short and you are missing out on a lot of fun.
Don't be shy give me a call. My cell is always on and I always answer.
Billy or message me on AOL billy32350
Or on yahoo billy32350 also you can see pictures of me, my toys and what
I like to do on MySpace http://www.myspace.com/40yearoldjerseydouchebag

Billy
Cell (973)555.5555

Seriously, it’s no wonder women in this city are fed up with members of my gender. A closer look at his MySpace page showed that this guy is 40 years old, slightly overweight, looks a little like Corky from Life Goes On, and has random pictures of a Lexus that he supposedly owns. I just couldn’t help it, I had to respond to his e-mail. Here’s what I wrote:

Wow, I thought I had seen all of the douche bags in New York, but yet again was proved wrong. If you read my post at all - obviously you didn't - you would have seen that I'm a male posting about a girl I used to date whom I ran into on the subway.

More importantly, I was trying to promote my blog, you bumbling idiot. Thanks for the e-mail though, you have given me something to post on my blog. Maybe you should actually read these ads before you respond.

It’s no wonder you are looking for women on Craig’s List, after reading your e-mail you obviously don't understand what woman want and respond to. Here is some free advice:

1. It's pretty obvious that you're just looking for sex. That's fine, all guys want to get laid and girls know this already. The thing about it is, if you're upfront about it before they even have a chance to get to know you a little, it's only going to drive them away. It's OK to take them there, they want sex too, they just don't want to feel like a cheap whore for fucking you, so don't make them feel like one.

2. You're showing off your supposed money by talking about your house in Hoboken (which you have yet to move into) and showing off your supposed Lexus on your MySpace page. This translates to one of three things to women: (a) he's got a small dick, (b) he's insecure (probably because he's fat, ugly or has a small dick) or (c) all of the above.

3."My cell is always on and I always answer" – a female translates this as: "I'm a desperate 40 year old man that's fat, ugly and has a small dick. I'll basically fuck anything that moves. Please call me, I haven't gotten laid in two years."

Good luck out there you moron.

Funny thing is, he never replied back. Oh well, I guess I’m not his type after all.

Cheers,

NYCDG

Positively 4th Street

“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”
–Humphrey Bogart

My commute to work last Friday morning was…shall we say awkward. I was on my way uptown, checking my Blackberry, minding my own business when Erin Gobraugh walks in and sits down right next to me at the West 4^th Street stop. My first thought was, “Positively 4^th Street…it was only a matter of time, damn you Bob Dylan.”

You remember Erin, the girl from the Wedding Crashers blog. Let’s just say that things between her and I didn’t exactly end smoothly. She kept pushing for things between us to get more serious; while I communicated to her several times that I didn’t want a relationship. I had to cut the head off of the relationship, so I did what any psycho-fearing guy would do…stop calling. OK fine, I didn’t deal with it in the best manner, I’ll admit that. Shit happens.

After one week of radio silence, the nasty e-mails start coming in. One that I’m an asshole. Delete. One about my character. Delete. One about my disgusting blog. Delete.

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning

You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning

Fast forward five weeks as Erin purposely sits down right next to me on a half empty E train.

Erin (evil smile): Hi

Me: Hello

Fuck me, this isn’t going to be good.

Erin: How are you?

Me: Great, how are you?

Erin: Good. So what have you been up to?

Me: Working a lot and traveling. You?

You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it

You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it

Erin: I hate you.

This is going to be a long commute.

Me: OK.

Erin: I think you’re disgusting.

Me: How so?

She’s read about the five girls.

Erin: You’re sleeping with five girls at the same time.

Yep, definitely not going to be good.

Me: I never said I was sleeping with them. I said I was dating them.

Erin: Well by sheer numbers you’ve got to be sleeping with at least 3 or 4 of them.

Me: I’m not, actually.

Erin: Whatever. The girls at Conde` Nast think you’re disgusting.

Me: Awesome.

I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with

Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with

[Sidebar: Dear girls at Conde` Nast,

I understand how you might have derived a negative image of me from our friend Erin, but I’m really not a bad guy…quite the opposite, actually. I mean Erin had to like me for some reason, right? At the end of the day, Erin and I just weren’t right for each other. Remember, there’s two sides to every story, if you want to hear my side e-mail me and let’s get together for a drink someday after work…I’ll even buy.]

Erin: I hate you. You’re probably going to blog about this.

Me (smiling): Keep talking.

(Erin looks down and opens her AM New York.)

Touche. Maybe she’ll shut up now.

(Two minutes later)

Erin: You know my mom read your blog, so that was fun. Oh and my sister-in-law, well she doesn’t even talk to me anymore, so it’s nearly impossible for me to see my nephew.

[Sidebar: Dear Sister-in-Law Jennifer,

Please talk to Erin and let her see her nephew. Yes, she called you Chewbacca and yes she’s very open about the fact that she doesn’t seem to like you for whatever reason, but the least you can do is let her see her nephew. Personally, I think the kid is a little top-heavy and drools like an idiot savant at McDonalds, but she misses him and wants to see him again soon. Thanks and best of luck with those two spinning heads. Kind regards.]

Me: Why did you tell them about my blog, you knew I was writing about the wedding?

Erin: I was trying to bond with her.

Me: That worked out well.

Erin: I hate you.

You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?" "Good luck"
But you don't mean it

When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it

(Erin goes back to flipping through her AM New York)

If that guy sitting next to her writes a blog, he’s going to have plenty of things to write about tonight. I wonder if she’s done yet. Her stop is coming up; I wonder if she’s going to make a big scene on the train before she gets off at her stop.

(The train stops and she gets up to leave)

Me: Have a nice day.

Erin: I hate you.

I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you

Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you

I suppose that could have gone worse.

Cheers,

NYCDG